[musing_way] week 139: last, best hope

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 22:51:11 GMT

If it was gonna be anyone, it was gonna be the one. The one person I couldn’t escape, the one person I couldn’t have.

I don’t do relationships. I don’t play the games that Faye and Suzan fucking live off of. Yeah, I got needs, but I either ignore ‘em or take care of ‘em. I don’t get tangled up in all the emotional blackmail and the mindfucking. I don’t compromise, I don’t overanalyze, and I don’t do any of the touchy feely crap that comes with “emotional maintenance.” I’m not that girl and I never will be.

Then...I met someone.

When I thought I couldn’t give a crap, I did. When I thought I wasn’t that girl, I realized I didn’t have to be. The door opens, and suddenly I could do it. Maybe it’s possible, ya know? To be unavailable, to be stubborn, to be completely absorbed in my own bullshit ‘cause there’s someone out there who won’t let me be that way. They don’t force you to change, you just...do. To be closer, to feel more whole...to compromise nothing, ‘cause you’ll do anything.

Someone came along who demanded more than I could give, and I fought it? But I ended up giving her a lot more than I ever have with anyone. She didn’t ask me for anything, so I offered it up, and she liked what she saw. No compromise, no better face, she just saw who I am and it made her smile. Imagine that: my foul mouth and bad temper making someone smile.

More importantly, making her smile. The girl who could be it...the last, best hope I could have to actually be with someone, ‘cause if this girl can’t love me? No one can.

And I just found out that she can’t. She literally can’t love me, ‘cause she’s cosmically linked to someone else.

So much for the last, best hope, right?

Deborah Armstrong
The Secret Circle
319 words

DISCLAIMER: Not my toys, just playing in LJ Smith's sandbox.

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